After The Martial Affair: Therapy to Resolve Conflict

Couples--sometimes just one person--often enter therapy to resolve "marital problems", with the suspected or actual affair being the most prominent issue. Marital therapy is then undertaken, with "the affair" included in the laundry list of marital problems. And while the affair is often (partially) addressed immediately, other marital issues are soon, or simultaneously addressed. With partial resolution or not, the marital therapy proceeds on an uncertain foundation. While an individual may make some progress in understanding some components of the affair, there will be very little marital resolution without both parties active participation.

While very difficult, couples-based therapy for an affair, if successful, can greatly improve the relationship and revitalize the marriage for the long term.

There are very few Evidence Based protocols for the resolution of marital affairs. Arguably, the most prominent protocol is based on the research of The Gottman Institute, which was completed recently, and is regarded as the best Evidence Based Treatment Protocol for repairing damage caused by affairs.

The treatment premise involves working on trauma recovery, an exploration of violated assumptions, and using forgiveness as a component of resolution. The Cognitive Behavioral Model is insight oriented, with both individual and couple sessions.

4 Stages of Treatment for Marital Affairs

  1. Dealing with the immediate impact, addressing trauma issues, if involved. Also boundary issues, communication techniques centered on disengaging from negative confrontation and promoting productive listening.
  2. Exploring why the affair happened, so that both parties understand contributing factors present in the marriage.
  3. Deals with forgiveness and moving on, with clearer understanding as to each other's relationship needs.
  4. Some clients will need continued marital therapy to deal with other issues, others will not. The clients and therapist will make a mutual decision as Stage 3 is being processed.